Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Organized Complaining

Related to my last post, I have been traveling a fair deal. I've also been using an annoying amount of passive voice (literally a little gremlin starts poking at my brain with a sharp fingernail—excessive passive voice is aggravating), but that’s beside the point.

This morning, after reflecting on the aggravation of dealing with customer service, I have some guidelines. Don’t mistake me for being a hardass or hypocrite here. I’ve traveled more than most people ever will, and I do have patience, however, I operate on a two strike policy. I expect employees in customer service to do their job to the best of their capabilities, politely and pleasantly. Those are some of the caveats of service; you need to be polite and pleasant.

1) Never fly with or deal with Delta airlines if you can help it.
     a. I have a special vein that pops reserved for Delta operations, customer service, and employees.
      b. I’m glad you found a job where you can be an incompetent idiot, but I’d rather you be hoarding my tax dollars in welfare than messing with my travel.
    c. If your airline causes delays, possible missed flights, and inconsideration then it is your job to compensate me and find the best possible solution as soon as possible. I should not have to tell you what to do or how to do your job.
2) When dealing with financial organizations, or long phone chains, when in doubt press “0”. In most cases it takes you directly to an operator.
3) Phone trees are the plague. Have your organization limit the number of branches they use. a. Talking to that “dummy” operator makes everyone seem silly. Either improve your voice recognition software or go with the technique of pressing buttons.
4) Be polite to your passengers as a flight attendant. Your job is to secure safety, bring drinks and be pleasant. Barking, sass, snark and unpleasant sarcasm are unwelcome. If you are having a bad day, be human and explain that to your passengers. They will be a lot more understanding than just watching you pick away at another passenger.
5) When traveling, pick a layover wisely.
      a. Too little time and you’ll become a hot mess running through terminals. No one wants to be that person bashing others with their baggage.
      b. Too much time and you will be bored out of your mind. Depending on the airport, there is only so much area to wander. I’ve done a few laps around Newark before.
      c. Pick a time that allows you to get where you want to be without excess perspiration.
           i. Preferably you will be able to read a little bit, be prepared, and have a well-deserved drink.
6) Travel with a loved one. Nothing makes stress more manageable than smooches. Apart from booze that is.    a. The magical combination is to be lightly buzzed with your significant other.
7) If “Economy Plus” is only $9 more, it’s worth it. Trust me. I’m not even that tall either.

 I don’t doubt that more pet peeves will surface eventually, but for now, bullet points and numbering remind me too much of work. Peace out homeslices.

I apologize for the odd formatting. My brain was stuck between "regular" typing and HTML. 

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