I Am

Friday was such a good day for so many--still--unexplained reasons. Everything just clicked and it led to this. I actually wrote a similar passage in print in a journal of mine as well as two initial sketchings resulted. It was that great. Mainly though, the token of the greatness and glory led to a seemingly obvious revelation.

I am awesome.

I set out initially to write this post on Friday, full of gusto, filled with the ripe enthusiasm dripping with pride and satisfaction, however, upon reflection, composing it after the fact on what is now Tuesday gives me a greater understanding of it. On Friday I was on a high. The day was great, my friends were and always are awesome and everything clicked. The flip-side to the greatness is that I was enjoying it too much and hence didn't compose an entry that could have possibly been too overzealous. Reflection is a powerful tool in life. While somethings may diminish with time, reflection strengthens and transforms experiences into something even more beautiful than they could have been alone.

This past year for me has been full of ups and downs. Spring had many more downs than ups, summer allowed me some time to myself, and fall has been generally ups. I had one of the best birthday weekends I ever had for my 21st birthday full of fun, friends and sweet sentiment. I am generally an optimistic, open, happy person which suits me but can have some pitfalls that leave me open. I am open because I am me. I am uninhibited, free, open and myself.

Being me includes great joy, but much like this year, some downsides. I have always harbored insecurities in some part of my life. Many of my insecurities I view as faults, flaws that knock me down, or reasons why someone wouldn't want to be around me. A lot of negatives can and did get reflected back at myself without considering that it could be the other person or even circumstantial, and no one's fault. I have hurt greatly in the past, I have hurt others, and for the first time, experienced the pain of seeing your heart shattered right before your eyes. Everything in these situations was my fault. Not to be a drama queen, but everything was about me. This focus is neccessary sometimes, but I realized recently that I never applied my mantra of moderation and balance in life to my own emotions.

In the words of my good friend and roommate, "You're Katie f***ing Lawler".

Yes, yes I am. I'm Katie Lawler and I am awesome.

Self confidence is a trait I've been told I emulate in the past, but I think in the past I did a good job of wearing the mask of confidence. It is nice to know that self confidence is glowing within me even when the mask is off.

I like myself and I am hella awesome.